The Power of Forgiveness, Taking Your Life Back

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Most of us have lived through situations that leave us bitter and with resentment. We want to make sure that the world knows how mad we are, that the person that offended us pays for what they did, and that somehow we get compensated for whatever damaged has been bestowed upon us. We have a tremendous sense of fair, to the point that we don’t let go of what is bothering us until we get a sense of restitution or at least of evenness. Getting even, what an incredible expression! It transmits a lot of frustration and maybe anger. But it doesn’t really express what we mean; we want our boyfriend back, our loved ones alive, our health and body intact. We know that, for the most part, whatever wrong has been done to us, by a coworker, an ex-girlfriend, our boss or the world, can’t be taken back, restituted. We know that there is not going back to the way we used to be, feel, to get the things we lost. But we need something. We have been told that it is not fair, we feel that is not fair, and we want somebody to pay for it. To what end or consequences we don’t care, or do we?  These lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even vengeance hurt us more than it would ever hurt anybody or anything that has ever hurt us. In the other hand, embracing forgiveness, we embrace hope, gratitude and joy. Forgiveness frees us of emotional turmoil and of psychosomatic consequences.

Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of letting go of thoughts and feelings that tie us to the offender and offense committed against us. It liberates us from the power that the person, and in many cases, the offending act, has on us. It brings us back to the present, allowing us to enjoy life to the fullest, working towards a happier future, and more prepared to confront whatever life deals to us the next time around. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt us. What a liberating experience!

Part of the problem that we have with forgiveness is that we associate it with forgetting. We don’t have to forget and we don’t have to condone. The act that hurt us will prevail on time; but forgiveness will lessen the emotional effect that wanting revenge may bring to us, so we can focus on more positive, constructive activities. We don’t have to be happy with whatever happened to us, or admit the person that offended us back in to our lives. We don’t have to deny their responsibility for misbehaving, but we can forgive a person without condoning the damage.

So, you may ask, what good does it do me to forgive someone else, why would I be willing to let go of the grouch? For one, getting your life back, away from the claws of bitterness. That is not the only reason though; as we are living in quite interesting times, scientist have been researching the matter in quite a serious and scientific manner. Evidence is showing with more and more studies piling up, that being forgiving is good our health. Among the benefits found in the studies (Mayo Clinic):

• Lower blood pressure
• Stress reduction
• Less hostility
• Better anger management skills
• Lower heart rate
• Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
• Fewer depression symptoms
• Fewer anxiety symptoms
• Reduction in chronic pain
• More friendships
• Healthier relationships
• Greater religious or spiritual well-being
• Improved psychological well-being

So now, you may ask, how do I go about forgiving? How do I go about letting go of those feelings that choke my throat every time I think about what “they” did to me? Well, the truth is that forgiveness can be very challenging, I know, I have been there, and I confront those same issues every time I have been wronged. What keeps me on my toes, and all ready to forgive, is the realization that forgiveness of others is in reality a benefit to me, not to them. Well, not so giving after all, but very realistic: If I can’t forgive someone because I have compassion toward a person that was confounded enough to hurt me, I can forgive them because it is good for me, and they don’t even have to find out.

When I talk about forgiveness, I am not talking about calling the person up and telling them that you forgive them. That is not necessary, and in many cases, is not even recommended, depending on the fault. I am talking about the kind of forgiveness that we hold in our heart, the one that allows us to pass page and get on with your business. When we remember the incident and we don’t get enraged, when we don’t spend our days mad and thinking about getting even. In this way, we take the power from the person or event that hurt us, and regain control of our lives, by changing the old patterns and beliefs and actions that have driven us to our bitterness. As we let go of grudges, we don’t define our lives by how we have been hurt, but by how we have overcome and got on with the next stage. Understanding that the only one really damaged by this bitterness is oneself, may help us overcome some of the challenges of forgiving.

One of the toughest forgiveness exercises is forgiving oneself, and probably the most important one. Work on forgiving yourself, and take responsibility for your life, don’t be a victim, don’t succumb to fault and guilt. Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — aren’t perfect. Accept yourself despite your mistakes. Commit to treating yourself and others with compassion, empathy and respect. At any rate, we have to forgive ourselves, we can’t get rid of our own personas and the cost of living with guilt is too high.

Forgiveness of oneself, someone else, or even the world, will change your life. It will make you your own master, and instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead of being angry and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and kindness. You can go on with your life and make it a good one!